In Need Of Change
I'm going to make myself vulnerable here and admit that I have Agoraphobia. I'm one of the lucky ones, as I have had a handle on it for most of my life, but it has still wormed it's way in at different times of my life. It ruled me for a period after each of my 3 kids were born and each time that we moved house (which up until 13 years ago, was a quite lot!). In-between these times I have been fine and the creeping dread of going out, has been a mere memory.
2020 came along and burst that door wide open... or I should I say, slammed it hard shut. Anxiety about leaving the house had never been this bad before, even the most simple errand to the supermarket became a terrifying idea. It wasn't just the fear of the unknown virus, it was more about the anxiety of having a panic attack while I was out. Being confined within a supermarket, or other building seemed like a really intense idea that I didn't want to risk.
Rolling forward a couple of years and I have regained control of it. I have still missed meet up dates and appointments on occasion, but now I am winning more of those battles than I lose. In the last 2 years, nearly all of my paintings have been about little moments of joy in objects that I have found around the house. To manage the agoraphobia, I take a daily walk and try and go outdoors more in general. I want to paint more of the vegetation that I see, little still lifes from my environment. The more I think about this, the more my plans expand and I want to travel again. Big travel, like lots of countries!
It is quite the itch that I have! A real need for change and it feels bottled up ready to burst. Not only do I want to travel, but I also want to feel English again. I want to travel to my roots and enjoy the everyday life of being in Britain. Unlike the last couple of years, I like the idea of British supermarkets and restaurants. I fancy some tea shops with cakes and little sandwiches, then walks along the river or coast. I want more than a vacation, I want to live it for a decent time. I wonder how possible this is? Throwing it out as an intention, is going to be my way of finding out. We will see what happens...